What Is It You Think I Need, Sweetheart? Love?

Only men need to be loved. Women need to be wanted. -Gemma, Sons of Anarchy

Lost in the 50's

I never did much with my life.  The younger years I lived for the day, figured the future would play itself out without any help from me.  Was satisfied with simplicity.  Working in a sock factory on production pay was just fine as long as I brought home a few hundred dollars a week I had all the money I needed.  As a high school drop out I never really thought more of higher education.  That was for a higher class than I was in...People with professional parents or rich grandparents.  My mom had a good job she hated with Bell South, it took every cent she made to support us.  If she ever saw money from Daddy's business we never knew.  all I witnessed was gambling, drinking and occasional abuse.My brother, Bill took the brunt of it. He moved out as soon as it was possible for him to live on his own, My sister started working at 16, between that and her social life she managed to make her escape.  A situation like this, being the youngest child was not optimal.  Mom finally had enough and made our final escape when I was 16.  I think the fact I had gotten involved with a 21 year old man prompted her to go. Buck Key (no I didn't make it up).  My best friend was popping out babies of his nephew, that is how we met...through Theresa.  My mom saved me.  She saw something bigger in me than Lithia Springs Georgia, married to a kind drunk with no ambition.
My mom remarried to an ex friend of my dads.  He seemed to be everything she missed.  Everything I missed.  He eventually chose the bottle and abandoned us.    I still married young...not sixteen. After our escape to Villa Rica I kissed too many frogs and met my husband at eighteen and took his name at 19.  According to statistics, too young, and my marriage was doomed to failure.  Twenty seven years and and three sons later we have seemed to beat those odds...I have struggled with self doubt and loathing most of my life... I believe my youth has played a big role in shaping who I am.  I can pinpoint places in my life that influenced my outcome.  Thirty years later I take responsibility for my life and the choices both good and bad really don't have any connective tissue to my my two abandoning dads.  Doug, for the most part has been a good husband.  He wanted a housewife and I eagerly took that position.  Through the years I have worked the odd job, got my GED and have some technical training under my belt.  But I always seem to come back to this.  The role of a house wife.  The last time started in 2008 when being pregnant at 42 took too much out of me to continue working at the local hardware store.  Between cost of living, gas prices and too many medical bills we have struggled financially especially the last two years. Tax breaks Bush gave us are at and end.  I wonder just how much longer middle class can exist?
I guess the grass is always greener.  Right now my 9 bucks an hour gig at Walmart looks pretty good, although with Doug's schedule there is no room for me to work.  a couple years ago I tried working weekends and it put more stress on him than helped financially. Time away from the kids as well as taking some of  their freedom, it was doomed to fail.  I have to deal with the fact until Jesse starts school, we are just going to have to make due.  Still trying to figure out what to do is difficult. Medical cuts I am not sure I want to pursue Phlebotomy  or Dental Hygiene. I have recently had an interest in paralegal.  Apparently filling out an application to college is not my strong suite.  Wasn't denied, just somehow it was incomplete.  Looking into the work force nearing 50 is scary enough without getting into debt for school. 
When I look at my life and I realize that I am completely dependent on another human being, even though it is one I love and trust, it scares the hell out of me.  Everything I own, every cent I spend, the food I consume, clothes, medical and housing, literally everything it takes to survive is provided by my husband.  There was a time I was cool with that.  I had the whole June Cleaver thing going.  My job was to keep the house,cook the meals, raise the kids and keep my man happy.  Which I have done with excellence most of my adult life. I don't know why I am so unsatisfied.  Why do I feel stuck in neutral?

How Did I Get Here....

....and where is the exit?

Feeling trapped in my circumstances and feeling guilty for feeling trapped...Jesse turns 4 in just over a month, while I long for the day he starts school I mourn for the days past, the baby and toddler years that I took for granted in the mist of depression.  I have spent the last years only getting by.  I thought the worst was behind me, but the vicious cycle of anxiety coupled with depression is hitting my spirit like a cold rain.  I don't want Jesse to grow up too fast, I want to treasure these irreplaceable months I have left with him home with me where I am the center of his world and at the same time I want my freedom...round and round it goes and I am unable to enjoy anything. Sucking just enough joy from my life to keep me breathing.  I feel like a hypocrite going to church knowing that I am this unhappy in my life, knowing the only time I spend with God is in that pew.  I never wanted to be a Sunday Christian...Every week I promise myself this next week will be better...week after week I fail.  

The way I see it... when you reach the end of your rope you but 3 choices 1) tie a knot and hang yourself  2) Hang on until all your strength is gone and you are forced to release 3) Simply let go, fall into the arms of Jesus and let God sort it out....why is it, for me, number three is usually doesn't happen until I have tried the second option?....Even after complete exhaustion I still have trouble letting go...my hands are sore, bruised and blistered but I keep my grip....
Something has got to give....looks like that something is me....I just can't seem to get my head around the how to do it....

It's my choice....

  ....I can sit and be miserable in my circumstances or I can change my attitude...the circumstances are not going to change...Jesse will be home with me until next Fall at the earliest.  I can choose to settle in and be happy in the life that I picked to live (housewife and mother) and bless the ones I love or continue in self abuse over what I can't be or can't help with.  I think I am going to deal with the fact I cannot do everything, instead, do what I can...Tighten up the belt and figure creative ways to make a dime from a nickel, keep the home fabulous, cook yummy meals and educate Jesse....Mondays are my day off unless I have to keep an appointment the day will be earmarked to spend time with Doug and preschool  3- 4 mornings a week. I'm all set up with Crayola, Play Doh, colored pencils, work sheets, tons of books and Before Five in a Row.
My hope is to find happiness that I have been missing instead of grasping at ghosts and impossible goals to fill my desires....

I Did It Again? Really

After another slip, a tearful evening and feeble prayers I looked for a little incite. I ran across this article. Does it help? Somewhat, but I know I am not alone... I have such a long way to go....

Struggling with Habitual Sin

Published November 8th, 2006 in Romans: Living the Christian Life

I wasn’t looking forward to Sunday night at all. I was faced with one of those passages that I felt if I said anything about, God would strike me dead in a flash.
The passage was Romans 7:14-25 where Paul talks about how he struggles with all sorts of things he doesn’t want to do, but ends up doing them anyway. Habitual sins is what we call these things - stuff that we know is wrong but for whatever reason we seemed powerless to stop doing them.
Habitual sins make us feel dirty and worthless. Paul exclaims at one point, “What a wretched man I am!” But it is important to realise here that Paul is expressing his frustration at his inability to beat sin in his own strength. It is not an expression of the truth, for Paul was not worthless or wretched, but a man loved by God. All through the Bible, and in many of Paul’s own letters, the fact that God loves us and thought so much of us that he went to great lengths to restore his relationship with us, is a recurring theme.
In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Paul calls each of us a temple of the Holy Spirit. God’s Spirit dwells within us in a way that is difficult to understand, but in a way that illuminates some of the areas of our life that god is working on. Simply being aware of the sin that we know shouldn’t be there is a sign that slowly but surely, God is working in us. If he wasn’t, we wouldn’t know these things were wrong and we wouldn’t worry about it anyway.
The reason I felt so scared about speaking on this passage was that I struggle with these things like anybody else. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met anybody who hasn’t - those that say they don’t, struggle with the habitual sin of lying! But somehow we must be able to live, and grow, in our faith while battling the things we don’t want to do. Here’s what I suggested would help:

1. Commit yourself for the long term (Heb 10:36, 12:1)
Sadly, we don’t beat habitual sin overnight. It takes a long time, and we need to accept that. Christianity is a life long calling, a life of being shaped and refined as part of the unfolding story of God in the world. We can’t just give up when things go wrong or when we make mistakes. When you fall, stand right back up, dust yourself down and keep going! Perseverance is the key.
2. Keep doing God’s work (2 Tim 4:2)
It still astounds me that God uses people like us (ok, people like me) to do his stuff. It will probably take me all eternity to get my mind around that. But that’s the way it is.
One of the most insidious parts of habitual sin is that it can paralyse us and stop us fulfilling what God is calling us to do. We stop serving, and listen to all the voices whispering in our ears saying that we’re not worthy of God’s love.
However Paul encourages Timothy to be prepared to teach both in season and out of season.  In season when, Timothy is feeling motivated and enthusiastic, and out of season when he can’t see the point and feels like God is far off. Keep serving God!
This is not a hypocritical thing (hypocrites don’t care that they are living a double life) but rather a life of integrity that acknowledges the struggles and invites others to share the journey.
Doing God’s work can also help replace bad habits. Doing God’s work means we are forced to pray to seek wisdom and help; we’re forced to look more intently at God’s word to find out what it really means in our context; we’re forced to meditate on what God is doing in our midst. As we do, these things become habits and slowly replace the stuff we’ve trying to get rid of for years.
3. Enlist some help (John 13:34-35)
We can’t do this alone. It takes a combined effort with God and others.
Jesus told us to love each other in the same way that he loved us. Obviously we can’t forgive each others sin in the same way God does, but we can help carry each others burdens and keep each other accountable.
Simply knowing that somebody is going to ask how you’ve been going with a certain area of your life is often enough to change things dramatically. If you haven’t already, get an accountability partner, a small group or just ask a friend or family member to help you out.
Don’t think you can beat habitual sin by yourself. You can’t.
4. Remember God loves you (Romans 5:8)
Through all of it, never forget that God loves you. It doesn’t matter what you’re struggling with, how long you’ve struggled with it, how many times you’ve made mistakes or even how many times you’ll do it again in the future. God still loves you.
Paul says earlier in Romans, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
I don’t know why God loves us that much, but he does.
Draw comfort from that, and keep living your Christian life.

Pondering....Pondering.....Pondering

Life for me has greatly improved.  I have removed distractions that divides my attention from my family and I have gratefully removed the antidepressant and the anti anxiety meds from my daily life.  The longer I am away from the pharmacudical help, the stronger I seem to become.  I still have my issues from time to time, but with prayer and time out I am happier than I have been in a long time.
I have to wonder what is happening with my life though.  I really want a part time seasonal job to help out through the holidays. Even without excessive spending, Halloween through New Years can be expensive.  The extra and special foods alone can put a crunch in a budget.  With the way that Doug works I just don't see how I can work even a few hours a day.  Wyatt doesn't get home until 3.  Even if I worked say 4-9 I would not see Doug...he sleeps all day until supper time. That is a huge family event.  We actually share a meal at the table and laugh our way through it.  It would cut into Jesse's bedtime schedule and I would not see Wyatt at all....I guess I am just going to have to be patient and wait for Jesse to start school before applying to work anywhere.  Morning hours is the only time that would not take me away from my home life and the men I love.
I wish things would improve for AJ.  He is having a difficult time finding work.  He applied at Pizza Hut and Family Dollar and received an email telling him he is not qualified.  He must have left something off or maybe the hours he wants to work doesn't fit what they are looking for.  He applied at Marquart today...we'll see...
I have joined a homeschool group as well as MOMS of Cazenovia.  Although I am looking into Headstart for Jesse, we are doing and will continue to do preschool things at home.  I can see that I will spend more time with MOMS than the other group, but both are going to be beneficial to our year as a homeschool family.
I don't know why life takes it's twist and turns...how one year we can have an over abundance of everything and then it take a violent turn into just getting by.  AJ having to leave Elim was almost as hard on me as it was him.  I hate not being able to support my son.   I wish Doug would allow me to keep a child in our home...that would be good for Jesse and some income for me....with just one I could take them with me on my outings...blah blah blah....thanks for letting me blog my thoughts today....if you have any suggestions I would be most grateful!

Perspective

One of my favorite things is a television show called Sons of Anarchy.  It is a adrenalin filled drama with a smidgen of dark comedy about an outlaw motorcycle club in California. I have been a fan since the pilot. Last night I watched episode 4 of season 5. 
This Episode was a sad one as the now President of the club, Jax held the wake for his best friend and club member Opie Winston.  It is a long story filled with intense details, unless you are at least familiar with the show it would do no good to try and catch you up.  Because my post is not really about the show...it is more about the perspective Jax gave as he said goodbye to his friend.  It took this episode in a tv drama for it to click with me....
He (Jax) put a snap shot of him and Opie as boys riding bicycles in Opie's pocket and simply said "see you later, Brother". The pain was evident in this scene as his childhood friend (who by the way gave his life for Jax) was laying cold in a box.
My lesson from this was, here this fictional character (or should I say writer) has a handle on death better than me...when my parents died all I could feel is the pain. Although part of me knew that I would meet at least my mother in eternity all I could focus on was she was gone and I would never see her alive here with me again.  All I could feel was the loss...Thanks to my favorite show I was able, for the first time, to think on my mother and say in my heart, I'll see you later Mom...and know in my spirit that it is true...she is waiting for me and I will see her face and I will once again feel her wonderful embrace, because no matter how painful the separation is, thanks to Jesus I can look forward to that wonderful day of reunion.  It is goodbye...but it is also see you in a while...
Another lesson for me is the lost souls here.  If Jax and Opie were real, Opie's life would have tragically ended with him entering eternity in Hell, apart from God.  And Jax does not have the understanding that when you die without Christ, you don't meet your loved ones that passed before you...You don't drift away and haunt the living with your friends and the juvenile thought of you will have a corner in Hell to party down with your friends is so false.  You end up in an eternity in Hell away from everything loved and lovely.
I have a heart for the lost.  The thought of one more person leaving the planet without the forgiveness of Christ breaks my heart and in some ways makes me angry. I know I want to impact a hurt and dying world. I am just not sure how to begin to put my desire into action.

My Cup Runs Over

Me Pri and Heather

My life is full of blessings.  Husband, sons, siblings, friends, a beautiful house on land, freedom of religion, even though I am not feeling well, for the most part we have our health and enough money to pay our bills and have food on the table. 
This weekend we celebrated Pri's son, Zion's fourth birthday.  Honoring this little boy and spending time with friends that I love is yet another blessing I soaked in.  I miss the south on a regular basis.  But in my heart I know I am home at least for now...
Fatigue and pain has once again invaded my body.  I had a great deal of pain today.  I did manage to get some of my chores done...I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I feel as bad as I did before diagnosed with low vitamin D.

Dance Your Socks Off!

God is moving mightily in my life, the life of my sons and our church. Anyone who knows me at all knows that the last few years have been difficult and at times seemingly impossible for me to bear.  I am beginning to understand through life lessons what a delicate balance living the Christian life can be.  Just a step away can feel like millions of miles and virtually impossible to find the way home.  After struggling for months and months it took a child's book by Max Lucado titled Because I Love You, for me to get it...I cannot do it on my own. The only way back is to call out to our Savior and let him fetch us. The part I find amusing is, that I spent so much time miserable, searching and fretting just to find out that all that is needed is one cry.  At the same time, that information is so comforting that knowing that truth alone is enough to put a smile on my face and security in my spirit.  I have also noticed that I have select hearing. When I chose to ignore something my father is telling me, I noticed, that is is easier to miss the next thing and even easier to miss the next until I am near deaf to him and his direction.  He pointed that out to me when I was trying to correct my 14 year old son, who, by the way, was doing the same thing to me.
I feel like I have come full circle.  The prodigal daughter has finally gotten out of the filth of the pig's pen and came home to the father's house. Last Sunday he sat up a feast for me and my brothers and sisters.  I freely worshiped and enjoyed his presence. Touched by Pastor Kristy I was slain in the spirit and laid in the presence of God.  I felt like part of me died.  I think that it did.  A part of me that was ready to be removed from my life was cut off.  When I woke I began praising him, dancing and spinning like a child.  After wards I walked normally to get some water, but filled with the spirit I couldn't move to get a cup and the feeling spread throughout me and I spent a good portion of service paralyzed. All that seemed to work properly was my mouth.  There was so much freedom and joy that I was filled with laughter, worried a few and entertained some. Once I recovered enough to walk my eldest son helped me back to my seat. I wish I could remember Pastors message.  I know it was good...It always is. After service a member came to me and told me that when she was slain in the spirit she had a vision of angels dancing around and laughing with a church member.  When she awoke she looked over and saw that it was me. I find that amazing....is this the first time? How much do we miss? I want to be in tune with God and his heavenly hosts.  I want to feel them and see them on occasion as well.  I want to live a lifestyle of praise...Sunday morning Christian should never be enough in the life of a believer.

Samuel 6:14
And David danced before the LORD with all his might, wearing a priestly garment.

It's Getting Better All the Time

Funny how my life has changed.  I was struggling so badly.  I had little to no relationship with God.  My Bible laid collecting dust and my prayer life was non existence.  I found myself envying people who had a relationship with God. For some reason the whole prayer and devotional time does not come easy for me. One day it dawned on me, that anything of value comes with a price including relationships. Armed with that knowledge I began investing deeper in my personal relationships and started looking for cracks of opportunity to spend time with God.  I wish I could say that it was like flipping a switch, but it wasn't and although a door has been open for me to spend time in his presence, it still takes effort.  It takes me stepping away from my distractions and opening my heart, mind and spirit to Jesus.  Daily I am gaining ground.  Praying and seeking him regularly and praying for others as they come into my thoughts. I was once a prayer warrior.  I am hoping to become that again someday. 
Things here at home are better too.  Jesse is on a schedule and we have been spending more time together.  The house is running smoother and even the relationship with my older sons is stronger.  I know I love my husband and keeping our house a home and our children safe and loved is a valuable service I gladly give him. I am off one of my antidepressants.  Hopefully in the next few months I will be free of the other.
I began painting out vast family room today.  I have one wall complete and have trimmed out some of the others. It is a lovely green.  I am very tired of the current white walls that adorn the majority of our home....One day at a time, one chore at a time and one prayer at a time....our life is coming together and I am so happy....

Ouch

I am in a great deal of pain today. I woke with a headache that meta morphs into a new version instead of going away.  I think I may be coming down with something because my chest hurts and I also have a sore throat.  I have nothing inspiring to write about today, so I thought I would just randomly type and see if something special might sprout from this entry.
Tonight is the last day off from school for Wyatt.  He is anxious to go back and at the same time knows it is the beginning of a long year.  My son is starting his freshman year of school.  My eldest has his landscaping job back and my sweetheart goes back to work tomorrow night after a very extended weekend...
I happily can report that Jesse and I are doing well on our new schedule. Matter of fact I will be getting him ready for bed very soon.
Jade Benke comes every Wednesday to eat supper with us and then join AJ at BASIC on the Suny Morrisville campus.  I have known her since she and AJ were in sixth grade together.  She is like one of my own.
Maybe tomorrow I will have something uplifting to say...
Blessings on your evening.

Pleased to Meet You Hope You Guessed My Name...

Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

I met an interesting woman the other day.  She is in her mid forties, somewhat attractive, busy, takes care of her family and is just now beginning to see her worth as a human being and a child of God.  Yes, you guessed it...the woman is me.  I somehow feel I am just waking up from a incredibly restless slumber.  You see I was diagnosed with postpartum depression over three years ago. During that time, I functioned in life, but just enough to survive and keep my family afloat. I think my oldest son bore the brunt of it.  He was 17 when his baby brother was born. Wyatt was eleven.  But with one antidepressant behind me I am beginning to see the real me beginning to blossom from the ashes of my past. I began reading a book by T.D. Jakes titled A Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord.  Some of it relates toward unmarried women, but I have already read some nuggets of wisdom in the few pages I have managed to complete.  It mainly explains that we have to know ourselves.  We have to spend time with ourselves, be kind to that woman in the mirror, love her and only expect the best for her. Yes, I am a firm believer of giving my best to others, but I also need to give it to myself.  Use my gift of hospitality to pamper me just as I would a guest in my home.I am learning that if I don't love and respect myself, If I continue in the downward spiral of self loathing, I am never going to escape the self esteem issues I have.  I have to set standards of how I expect to be treated and not allow anyone to treat me differently, not even myself.   God loves me and put me here for a purpose. At one time I believed it was only to bring my children (likeable, deserving men of God) into the world, that my existence   did not matter.  I can see how wrong I was.  How my life is purposeful beyond birthing children.  I have a lot to offer and I am ready to open my life to the Lord for him to use my life for his purposes and I truly believe he finds pleasure in me. I need to know that woman, I need to learn to enjoy her too.
Lately I find myself smiling for no reason, taking things lighter than I normally would and the only thing that seems to upset me is my little man, Jesse.  He is a good and sweet boy, he is just 3 and 3/4 years old and very active and so smart.  He knows the right buttons to push to get me on my ear and I think I am beginning to see why he does it.  I have a habit, although not meaning to, of putting Jesse on the back burner to anything computer oriented, housework or any other thing that needs concentration to accomplish.  That has to change and it will.  The last two nights I got him bathed and ready for bed before nine (way before nine tonight).  Tomorrow instead of hitting facebook and games on my iPod I am going to me and Mister dressed and take a walk, maybe even before breakfast.  I am going to sit with him as he eats his meals at the table and do planned activities through the day, including housework and other must do things as a homemaker.  I hope to not get on the internet until after I put him to bed, but if I peek at my iPod  a time or two during the day I see no harm as long as I am putting what is important first.  What is important? Me. My time getting to know and love myself, prayer and worship to get to know my God.  Jesse and needed time with him is high on the priority list, Wyatt and AJ's needs also need to be met  although theirs is not as pressing, I adore my older sons and desire to be with them.  Time with my husband needs to be squeezed in.  I love him and want to hold his hand and talk. His needs of course require a bit of maneuvering due to his work schedule.  Then there is meals, housework and the needs of others.  I want to be in ministry to others and that can be a lifestyle rather than a title.  There are hundreds of ways to love on others. I feel good and for the first time in a very long time I look forward to tomorrow....
Praise God for His never ending mercies!

Pruning

To prune is cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems to increase fruitfulness and growth. Sounds kinda dumb to cut something to make it grow, but it is more about health than cutting away...

My family and I moved into our home in 2001.  Although I am not a master of all things green, I have learned a lot about growing and maintaining plants.  I have a small, yet beautiful raspberry bush in my side yard.  Last year I noticed that it was beginning to spread beyond my limited space and there were many brown and crusty stems that were draining the health of the plants.  I did a google search and learned how and when to prune my plants.  I didn't realize how important pruning was until I saw the result this summer with a larger crop of  sweet and juicy berries.  When pruning this year I was careful to remove only what was needed.  With berries that is the stems that produced fruit this year and any dead or damaged limbs.  The ones that produced this year will not produce again, but the new branches that did not blossom this time will next year.  In other words the new growth this year will be berries next year.  After cutting away the necessary parts, I gently band together the remaining parts so they will be supported and protected through the winter.  While I was working I could feel the presence of God using this simple task as a reminder to me of His work in us.  There are times when it feels like our maker is overzealous in his trimmings, but we have to trust him to remove what needs to be taken away for our Spiritual growth.  There are old and dry places that has to be trimmed away so it doesn't poison. He has to trim away old branches that no longer produce fruit so he can prepare us for the next gifts he plans to allow us to grow in the next season.  I believe sometimes gifts are only for a season.  If the used up portions are not trimmed away, we will find ourselves hanging onto and trying to work a gift that is no longer inspired by God.  We exhaust ourselves trying to hang onto what is comfortable rather than letting go and letting God move us into position for something that is beneficial for us and others around us.  Then, there is the fruit we were created to bear.  If we allow Him to work for our good. Allowing him to trim and bind up our branches, then and only then will the harvest be rich and plentiful...
My life has improved greatly since I put down my shears, stood still and allowed God to use his to remove the decayed branches and used up blossoms....I find myself grabbing a dead branch and I immediately feel His love and freedom and I am gently instructed to let it go.  It could be a long winter ahead as His work takes place in me. But I am excited and I am looking forward to Spring. I want see my new growth and and changes He makes possible. Then, in the summer, new gifts will begin to blossom and I will see His fruit in me appear.  I am ready for this journey... 

John 15:1-11

Breath by Breath

One thing  I have learned the last several breathless years is to hang on to what is important even if it is by your finger nails.  There are times, for me this has been on long haul, that confusion, desperation and even selfishness seems to trump everything else. I am hoping  that I am nearing the end to that season in my life.  Things seem to be slowing down and improving.  My prayers is freedom and courage.  Freedom from my past and courage to move forward and to be the best me I can be. 
To my dismay, my oldest son had to leave college do to financial lack. He is doing remarkably well and may has applied to work in the next town South of here. He is not sure what he wants to do next.  Save and go back next year or just move on.  All he knows is he wants to be in full time ministry and he is trusting the Lord to direct how he gets there. 
Life is amazing and I want to live it to the fullest. I am tired of getting by, you know, surviving.  I want to dance... Dance the dance of celebration during the good times, hold on to people who love me and slow dance through the times of grief, make my own beat during the times of change.  Love and be loved without fear and work at and for my relationships with respect and compassion.  Breath in, breath out...lift my hands to the Heavens and twirl...with grace I want to dance my way through it all.