Pleased to Meet You Hope You Guessed My Name...

Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

I met an interesting woman the other day.  She is in her mid forties, somewhat attractive, busy, takes care of her family and is just now beginning to see her worth as a human being and a child of God.  Yes, you guessed it...the woman is me.  I somehow feel I am just waking up from a incredibly restless slumber.  You see I was diagnosed with postpartum depression over three years ago. During that time, I functioned in life, but just enough to survive and keep my family afloat. I think my oldest son bore the brunt of it.  He was 17 when his baby brother was born. Wyatt was eleven.  But with one antidepressant behind me I am beginning to see the real me beginning to blossom from the ashes of my past. I began reading a book by T.D. Jakes titled A Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord.  Some of it relates toward unmarried women, but I have already read some nuggets of wisdom in the few pages I have managed to complete.  It mainly explains that we have to know ourselves.  We have to spend time with ourselves, be kind to that woman in the mirror, love her and only expect the best for her. Yes, I am a firm believer of giving my best to others, but I also need to give it to myself.  Use my gift of hospitality to pamper me just as I would a guest in my home.I am learning that if I don't love and respect myself, If I continue in the downward spiral of self loathing, I am never going to escape the self esteem issues I have.  I have to set standards of how I expect to be treated and not allow anyone to treat me differently, not even myself.   God loves me and put me here for a purpose. At one time I believed it was only to bring my children (likeable, deserving men of God) into the world, that my existence   did not matter.  I can see how wrong I was.  How my life is purposeful beyond birthing children.  I have a lot to offer and I am ready to open my life to the Lord for him to use my life for his purposes and I truly believe he finds pleasure in me. I need to know that woman, I need to learn to enjoy her too.
Lately I find myself smiling for no reason, taking things lighter than I normally would and the only thing that seems to upset me is my little man, Jesse.  He is a good and sweet boy, he is just 3 and 3/4 years old and very active and so smart.  He knows the right buttons to push to get me on my ear and I think I am beginning to see why he does it.  I have a habit, although not meaning to, of putting Jesse on the back burner to anything computer oriented, housework or any other thing that needs concentration to accomplish.  That has to change and it will.  The last two nights I got him bathed and ready for bed before nine (way before nine tonight).  Tomorrow instead of hitting facebook and games on my iPod I am going to me and Mister dressed and take a walk, maybe even before breakfast.  I am going to sit with him as he eats his meals at the table and do planned activities through the day, including housework and other must do things as a homemaker.  I hope to not get on the internet until after I put him to bed, but if I peek at my iPod  a time or two during the day I see no harm as long as I am putting what is important first.  What is important? Me. My time getting to know and love myself, prayer and worship to get to know my God.  Jesse and needed time with him is high on the priority list, Wyatt and AJ's needs also need to be met  although theirs is not as pressing, I adore my older sons and desire to be with them.  Time with my husband needs to be squeezed in.  I love him and want to hold his hand and talk. His needs of course require a bit of maneuvering due to his work schedule.  Then there is meals, housework and the needs of others.  I want to be in ministry to others and that can be a lifestyle rather than a title.  There are hundreds of ways to love on others. I feel good and for the first time in a very long time I look forward to tomorrow....
Praise God for His never ending mercies!

Pruning

To prune is cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems to increase fruitfulness and growth. Sounds kinda dumb to cut something to make it grow, but it is more about health than cutting away...

My family and I moved into our home in 2001.  Although I am not a master of all things green, I have learned a lot about growing and maintaining plants.  I have a small, yet beautiful raspberry bush in my side yard.  Last year I noticed that it was beginning to spread beyond my limited space and there were many brown and crusty stems that were draining the health of the plants.  I did a google search and learned how and when to prune my plants.  I didn't realize how important pruning was until I saw the result this summer with a larger crop of  sweet and juicy berries.  When pruning this year I was careful to remove only what was needed.  With berries that is the stems that produced fruit this year and any dead or damaged limbs.  The ones that produced this year will not produce again, but the new branches that did not blossom this time will next year.  In other words the new growth this year will be berries next year.  After cutting away the necessary parts, I gently band together the remaining parts so they will be supported and protected through the winter.  While I was working I could feel the presence of God using this simple task as a reminder to me of His work in us.  There are times when it feels like our maker is overzealous in his trimmings, but we have to trust him to remove what needs to be taken away for our Spiritual growth.  There are old and dry places that has to be trimmed away so it doesn't poison. He has to trim away old branches that no longer produce fruit so he can prepare us for the next gifts he plans to allow us to grow in the next season.  I believe sometimes gifts are only for a season.  If the used up portions are not trimmed away, we will find ourselves hanging onto and trying to work a gift that is no longer inspired by God.  We exhaust ourselves trying to hang onto what is comfortable rather than letting go and letting God move us into position for something that is beneficial for us and others around us.  Then, there is the fruit we were created to bear.  If we allow Him to work for our good. Allowing him to trim and bind up our branches, then and only then will the harvest be rich and plentiful...
My life has improved greatly since I put down my shears, stood still and allowed God to use his to remove the decayed branches and used up blossoms....I find myself grabbing a dead branch and I immediately feel His love and freedom and I am gently instructed to let it go.  It could be a long winter ahead as His work takes place in me. But I am excited and I am looking forward to Spring. I want see my new growth and and changes He makes possible. Then, in the summer, new gifts will begin to blossom and I will see His fruit in me appear.  I am ready for this journey... 

John 15:1-11

Breath by Breath

One thing  I have learned the last several breathless years is to hang on to what is important even if it is by your finger nails.  There are times, for me this has been on long haul, that confusion, desperation and even selfishness seems to trump everything else. I am hoping  that I am nearing the end to that season in my life.  Things seem to be slowing down and improving.  My prayers is freedom and courage.  Freedom from my past and courage to move forward and to be the best me I can be. 
To my dismay, my oldest son had to leave college do to financial lack. He is doing remarkably well and may has applied to work in the next town South of here. He is not sure what he wants to do next.  Save and go back next year or just move on.  All he knows is he wants to be in full time ministry and he is trusting the Lord to direct how he gets there. 
Life is amazing and I want to live it to the fullest. I am tired of getting by, you know, surviving.  I want to dance... Dance the dance of celebration during the good times, hold on to people who love me and slow dance through the times of grief, make my own beat during the times of change.  Love and be loved without fear and work at and for my relationships with respect and compassion.  Breath in, breath out...lift my hands to the Heavens and twirl...with grace I want to dance my way through it all.