Pondering....Pondering.....Pondering

Life for me has greatly improved.  I have removed distractions that divides my attention from my family and I have gratefully removed the antidepressant and the anti anxiety meds from my daily life.  The longer I am away from the pharmacudical help, the stronger I seem to become.  I still have my issues from time to time, but with prayer and time out I am happier than I have been in a long time.
I have to wonder what is happening with my life though.  I really want a part time seasonal job to help out through the holidays. Even without excessive spending, Halloween through New Years can be expensive.  The extra and special foods alone can put a crunch in a budget.  With the way that Doug works I just don't see how I can work even a few hours a day.  Wyatt doesn't get home until 3.  Even if I worked say 4-9 I would not see Doug...he sleeps all day until supper time. That is a huge family event.  We actually share a meal at the table and laugh our way through it.  It would cut into Jesse's bedtime schedule and I would not see Wyatt at all....I guess I am just going to have to be patient and wait for Jesse to start school before applying to work anywhere.  Morning hours is the only time that would not take me away from my home life and the men I love.
I wish things would improve for AJ.  He is having a difficult time finding work.  He applied at Pizza Hut and Family Dollar and received an email telling him he is not qualified.  He must have left something off or maybe the hours he wants to work doesn't fit what they are looking for.  He applied at Marquart today...we'll see...
I have joined a homeschool group as well as MOMS of Cazenovia.  Although I am looking into Headstart for Jesse, we are doing and will continue to do preschool things at home.  I can see that I will spend more time with MOMS than the other group, but both are going to be beneficial to our year as a homeschool family.
I don't know why life takes it's twist and turns...how one year we can have an over abundance of everything and then it take a violent turn into just getting by.  AJ having to leave Elim was almost as hard on me as it was him.  I hate not being able to support my son.   I wish Doug would allow me to keep a child in our home...that would be good for Jesse and some income for me....with just one I could take them with me on my outings...blah blah blah....thanks for letting me blog my thoughts today....if you have any suggestions I would be most grateful!

Perspective

One of my favorite things is a television show called Sons of Anarchy.  It is a adrenalin filled drama with a smidgen of dark comedy about an outlaw motorcycle club in California. I have been a fan since the pilot. Last night I watched episode 4 of season 5. 
This Episode was a sad one as the now President of the club, Jax held the wake for his best friend and club member Opie Winston.  It is a long story filled with intense details, unless you are at least familiar with the show it would do no good to try and catch you up.  Because my post is not really about the show...it is more about the perspective Jax gave as he said goodbye to his friend.  It took this episode in a tv drama for it to click with me....
He (Jax) put a snap shot of him and Opie as boys riding bicycles in Opie's pocket and simply said "see you later, Brother". The pain was evident in this scene as his childhood friend (who by the way gave his life for Jax) was laying cold in a box.
My lesson from this was, here this fictional character (or should I say writer) has a handle on death better than me...when my parents died all I could feel is the pain. Although part of me knew that I would meet at least my mother in eternity all I could focus on was she was gone and I would never see her alive here with me again.  All I could feel was the loss...Thanks to my favorite show I was able, for the first time, to think on my mother and say in my heart, I'll see you later Mom...and know in my spirit that it is true...she is waiting for me and I will see her face and I will once again feel her wonderful embrace, because no matter how painful the separation is, thanks to Jesus I can look forward to that wonderful day of reunion.  It is goodbye...but it is also see you in a while...
Another lesson for me is the lost souls here.  If Jax and Opie were real, Opie's life would have tragically ended with him entering eternity in Hell, apart from God.  And Jax does not have the understanding that when you die without Christ, you don't meet your loved ones that passed before you...You don't drift away and haunt the living with your friends and the juvenile thought of you will have a corner in Hell to party down with your friends is so false.  You end up in an eternity in Hell away from everything loved and lovely.
I have a heart for the lost.  The thought of one more person leaving the planet without the forgiveness of Christ breaks my heart and in some ways makes me angry. I know I want to impact a hurt and dying world. I am just not sure how to begin to put my desire into action.